When sometimes becomes everytime...♡❀༶⋆⊹❀♡

“That's how I am and I refuse to change!”

Hey my darling!!!

Say it back this minute my patience is thinning.

Sigh, I’ve become an attention seeking whore lately and it’s very bad for my fragile heart. As with all my other letters to you, this letter did not start today. It started on the 2nd of December when I wrote this:

On that morning I was happy, I remembered that I owe Dami a mail and I started scribbling, I texted her excitedly and told her to wait for it. I also thought about how Raheemat was still expecting a mail and two playlists from me and how I owe Salamah a love letter, I have not written to you in so long too and I missed you, I thought of my other friends and said I would write to them that morning, I did start the letters... I never finished any, the excitement didn’t last that long.

This evening I write this whilst anxiety grips my trembling fingers typing each letter with me, sometimes it says hello and leaves as soon as it rears it’s ugly head, other times it stays for a while but what happens when sometimes becomes everytime, what happens then my love...

I had a mini karaoke session with my friends last week, it was fun and exciting, the minutes started to climb and I could sense that they’d leave me soon and then it happened.., again, like it always did. My countenance changed, I became overwhelmed and filled with dread, not because I didn’t enjoy having them around but because I did a little too much (sang too loud, was too excited, was all over the place…), I always felt that way anytime I’ve had a little too much fun, the sense of gloom would envelope me and leave me feeling empty, like I didn’t deserve to enjoy the day or experience as much as I did, my thoughts always silently reminded me. It happens sometimes, then it became every time.

My friend came to see me with a friend of hers and we were talking, the conversation felt like every other conversation, just flowing and sharing each other’s opinions, they left, I bade them goodbye and I started to cuss at myself, I felt I talked too much and I had said a bunch of unnecessary things, I kept on replaying the words that left my mouth and kicking myself for speaking. I always feel like that after speaking to people especially someone new, I always think I have made a fool of myself (not with my beauty sadly😔 if you read African literature and do not get this reference you've broken my heart!), the voices in my head made me feel like that sometimes... And then it became every time.

I looked at the mirror on Friday and saw that two pus filled guests had come to pitch their tent on my face, I sighed in ugly, stared at my face and wondered how anybody could call that beautiful or pretty, even when I had no acne there was still nothing striking about my features, touched my dry, untidy hair and shook my head, I looked a mess, how could anybody see me and the words “fine girl” leave their mouth, people are blind I tell you! Blind!. Left the mirror and went to doom scroll on my phone, I had successfully made myself feel ugly again, I did this sometimes, I did this everytime.

Quite frankly, I can't remember where I was going with this, heck I don't even know how to end this. I had this sitting in my drafts for a while now and I guess I'm just tired of waiting for the perfect ending, the perfect closing statement, perfection is whatever you make of it, flaws and everything in between.

Habits are taught, learnt and borrowed. Some habits are a part of you, you fail to remember when it started but you know it's something you've always lived with. Some of them you do not mind, and some, are gradually taking control of your life and all that is in it. How is Ini the extrovert and people person always feeling empty and devoid of joy after having the most amazing day ever, how can Ini who is obsessed with taking pictures of her eyes and lips think that she's anything but pretty, Ini that speaks in front of crowds think that she's beneath them, Ini had formed habits and now the habits have began to form her.

Ini is you too, you do it sometimes, that remark, that act, that routine, once a year, a month, a week, daily, a couple of hours, your routines have become an habit and it's up to you to decide if your habits becomes who you are my love.

My sweet, the days have been longer and the nights filled with loneliness cause you've not been speaking to me😔 Do write to me this time, please, I want to know how you've been faring .ೃ࿐

And if no one tells you today, I love you my dear reader, now say it back too .ೃ࿐

This is the book I referenced earlier by the way now byeeee (⁠๑⁠˙⁠❥⁠˙⁠๑⁠)